Floundering

I knew that moving after graduation was going to be hard. I said that out loud, I prepped myself, I literally gave the commencement address with my main theme being failure. Now that I’m here, I realize I was so wrong.

This isn’t hard; it is horrendous. I’m beyond stressed. I am not even a “little fish in a big pond” I am a tiny spec of sand on the ocean floor. I suck.

I ended my college career on such a high. I got commencement speaker, I got a scholarship which was an honor, I landed a post grad job, I was a first-generation college student and I was successful, I was confident as hell. That confidence is gone. I have no clue where to even look for it.

I always used to say “fake it till you make it” but looking back I was faking it a lot less than I thought I was. I’m currently faking it so hard I might as well be made of plastic and processed sugar. I think that’s the part that’s so terrifying. I’m at my job convincing people that I’m going to be successful and I’m going to figure it out, but I literally do not know if I will. I’m plastering this barbie doll smile on my face and laughing but inside it feels like there is a volcano that is about to blow and obliterate anything that is nearby. I get more than enough sleep but I’m so exhausted because putting on this front is draining me of everything that is me.

I am Erica Baker. I’m the person people rely on, the person people ask for advice, the person people think is strong, the person who is supposed to light up the room, the person who is supposed to be successful, and the person who is supposed to be so confident that she never tries to be something she isn’t. I’m Erica Baker and I feel like someone unplugged me from my energy source.

I think it is time to reinvent and reset. I know I can’t keep up this act. I didn’t want to admit any of this. I know there are so many people who would be happy to see me fail and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction. That’s not something I ever used to worry about, and to me that switch in mentality is the most toxic part of this process and I need to be done with it. So this is me saying I’m scared, I’m failing, I do not know what I’m doing, and I need to dig deep and be myself again.

I’m going to write, I’m going to take photographs, I’m going to make videos, and I’m going to focus on developing myself through this hellish time. I don’t think everything happens for a reason. I don’t think the universe just has some bigger plan for me. I think it is up to the individual to create their own path, so I’m going to get back to being the person that does that. This is awful but I have the power somewhere inside of me to turn it around. This isn’t a failure it is an opportunity to grow even more.